Midnight Perversions Starring Draco Malfoy
by Neemphadourah Tawncks
Summary: It's midnight, and you are listening to Hogwarts Radio. Draco Malfoy is an evil boy with a sexy sneer. Wait. NO, I AM NOT LUCIUS! LET ME GO! I JUST WANT TO SEE MY PRECIOUS BOY!
1. The Pilot

Midnight Perversions Starring Draco Malfoy  
  
It's midnight, and you are listening to Hogwarts Radio. Yes, it's true that electronics don't work at Hogwarts. Do I honestly care? Nope. Oh, beware, some callers are highly perverted. Well, ya know, it is midnight...  
  
Disclaimer: I have nothing. Nothing. NOTHIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIING! Answer any questions? No Harry, No Ron, No Draco, Nothing!  
  
Starting Notes: In a way, I took this idea from Ivory Tower, who, in a way, took this idea from Loveline. Who probably took the idea from someone else.  
  
My point? I don't think I have one.  
  
On with the show...  
  
- . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - The Pilot - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . -  
  
Draco Malfoy: Hello, and welcome to Midnight Perversions Starring Draco Malfoy. I just turned 17, which means I'm allowed to work at Hogwarts. Why am I not just sitting around letting house elves crap money for me to use? Well, because I told the wrong people about the incest with my dad, so he disowned me. Yea. And I have an assistant, Hermione. However, she is not allowed to talk because she is a mudblood and this is my show. I'm going to sneer and lets girls swoon.  
  
*sneering and swooning, sneering and swooning*  
  
Draco: Let's take our first call.  
  
Caller One: Hello. ...  
  
Draco: ... Hello.  
  
Caller One: How are you?  
  
Draco: ... Uhh ... Okay?  
  
Caller One: That's good. ...  
  
Draco: ... You do realise you're on the air, right?  
  
Caller One. Oh. Oh. OH! Okay, well, you see, I was curious if it was safe to do a whole bunch of pot before sex.  
  
Draco: ...  
  
*Phone happens to disconnect itself*  
  
Draco: What? It's obvious that the two wouldn't effect each other. Incorrectly snort co - What!?! Fine. Next caller.  
  
Caller Two: Hello. I've been living with my mother the last week or so, and I went to get the owl post, and opened a package, misreading the name as mine instead of hers. And, well, it was...it was...err...  
  
Draco: It was?  
  
*Buzzing is heard*  
  
Draco: ... Lovely. How old is your mother?  
  
Caller Two: Sixty something, but that's unimportant.  
  
Draco: That is disgusting.  
  
Caller Two: No, the disgusting thing is the fact it came with a card that said "To: Jack."  
  
Draco: ...  
  
Caller Two: My father.  
  
Draco: Eh, that's not such a big deal.  
  
*Phone hangs up*  
  
Draco: What's with the look, mudblood? Hey, when you see your father shove a ca - You bitch. Next caller.  
  
Caller Three: Baby, this is a booty call for a special man with a huge-  
  
Draco: Wrong number.  
  
*Phone hangs up*  
  
Draco: Granger, you are here solely to check these calls. DO YOUR JOB, DAMNIT!  
  
Caller Four: Will my cat hate me if I tie it up with leather belts, put it in a leather kitty bra, and whip it with a leather string?  
  
Draco: I won't ask.  
  
*Phone disconnects*  
  
Draco: Don't *make* me fire you! That's Dumbledore's job? Damnit.  
  
Caller Five: Hello, welcome to the National Gropers Anonymous Hotline. How may I help you?  
  
Draco: You called us.  
  
Caller Five: I see. How long have you been groping chiwawas?  
  
Draco: You called us.  
  
Caller Five: Your girlfriend called us, sir. Remove yourself from your denial.  
  
*the loud noise of a phone hanging up is heard*  
  
Draco: HERMIONE, YOU BITCH! I ONLY GROPED A CHIWAWA ONCE, AND THAT WAS BE - Wait. I've never groped a Chiwawa. I swear.  
  
*uncomfortable pause is heard*  
  
Draco: Next caller, please?  
  
Caller Six: Hey, I was wondering if it was okay to plug things on your show?  
  
Draco: Why not?  
  
Caller Six: COME TO FRED AND GEORGE WEASLEY'S ADULT SHOP! WE HAVE EVERYTHING TO PLEASE BOTH THE MEN AND THE WOMEN! WE'RE AT DIAGON ALLEY, AND WE LOOK FORWARD TO YOUR AMAZING VI-  
  
*Click-dial tone*  
  
Draco: That made me sick.  
  
Caller Seven: George, you prick! That's MY shop!  
  
Draco: ...Ginny?  
  
Caller Seven: Yes. I own an adult shop. But it isn't at Diagon Alley. It's by the Gryffindor Common Room.  
  
Draco: Hang up, please.  
  
Caller Seven: Fine.  
  
*Click*  
  
Draco: Okay, well, it's now 12:15, which means tonight's show is...FINISHED! Good night and I'll hear you all tomorrow!  
  
*sneering and swooning, sneering and swooning*  
  
- . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . -  
  
A/N: It's probably not as good as Ivory Tower's, but hey, it might be someday! Just review, maybe tell me where I flawed, and maybe give me some question/repetitive caller ideas.  
  
Thank you for reading and reviewing! 


	2. Calls, Calls, and More Calls

Midnight Perversions Starring Draco Malfoy  
  
It's midnight, and you are listening to Hogwarts Radio. Draco Malfoy is an evil boy with a sexy sneer. Wait. NO, I AM NOT LUCIUS! LET ME GO! I JUST WANT TO SEE MY PRECIOUS BOY!  
  
Disclaimer: I'm still flat broke people.  
  
Starting Notes: Tawnyfawn, you rule! Crunchie, you rule! *clings to Tawnyfawn and Crunchie in non-perverse manner*  
  
- . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - Calls, Calls, and More Calls - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . -  
  
Draco Malfoy: Hello, and welcome to Midnight Perversions Starring Draco Malfoy. I'm a little spooked right now because I just found out Lucius Malfoy was the announcer man. Thank God it was handled, because he was hitting on me while announcing other shows for the night. Let's take our first call of the night...  
  
Caller One: Hello. You know you miss Tipper! COME BACK TO ME, MY DAR-  
  
*Phone Disconnects*  
  
Draco: Prick. Next caller.  
  
Caller Two: Honey, just come home! Your father won't do anything with me because he hasn't seen you and Ti-  
  
*Phone Disconnects*  
  
Draco: Bitch. Next caller.  
  
Caller Three: What would happen if Dobby humped a broomstick of Harry Potter's?  
  
Draco: You'd get a restraining order and you'd be classified as a freak. And you'd get a ton of splinters. Freak.  
  
*Phone Disconnects*  
  
Draco: Hermione, shut your muggle mouth, he's a freak. Next caller.  
  
Caller Four: Lemon Drop?  
  
*Dial Tone*  
  
Draco: Next caller.  
  
Caller Five: You stole my job, you git.  
  
Draco: Severus!  
  
Caller Five: You no longer have ties with your father, it's PROFESSOR Snape.  
  
Draco: ...Do you have a question?  
  
Caller Five: Yes. Yes I do. Why, young man, have you forced me to be stuck with the duty of comforting Tipper?  
  
Draco: My father's freak, sir.  
  
Caller Five: A five year old muggle child could point that out. No! Get away, Malfoy! GET TIPPER AWAY FROM M-  
  
*Hangs Up*  
  
Draco: FATHER, STOP BEING A BASTARD! Next caller.  
  
Caller Six: I am not a bastard. I'm just pretentious and heteroflexable.  
  
Draco: STOP CALLING!  
  
Caller Six: Then have them give me my job back!  
  
Draco: Do you know how mentally warping it is for your own father to hit on you!?!  
  
Caller Six: Oh, but it's been a family tradition for years now for the fathers to hit on their sons!  
  
*Phone Suddenly Goes Dead*  
  
Draco: Thank you for pulling the plug on the phone, Hermione. That freak scares me. Turn the phone back on, please. While she's handling that, let's sneer and swoon.  
  
*sneering and swooning, sneering and swooning*  
  
Draco: Now that the phone is plugged in again, Next caller.  
  
Caller Seven: Is S&M bad for you?  
  
Draco: Depends, are you doing S&M with me?  
  
Caller Seven: Uh...No.  
  
Draco: Then yes, yes it is.  
  
Caller Seven: HUMPH! NEVILLE, HOW CAN YOU RISK MY LIFE SO?  
  
*Hangs up as grumbling in the background is heard*  
  
Draco: Right. Okay, well, I'd say the show is just about over. But first, we shall take one more call...  
  
Caller Eight: YOU CANNOT DENY THE WILL OF TIPPER! WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
  
Draco: SHOW'S OVER! BYE!  
  
- . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . - . -  
  
A/N: I know, I'm a freak. I'm not sure about this, but I think the name Tipper is Ivory Tower's idea. I'm not positive. But, anyway, I'm snagging the name Tipper XD  
  
Thank you for reading and reviewing! *winkhintnudge* 


End file.
